I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
