My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
