I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
