there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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