mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
