i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
