You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
that may or may not have been my penis.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
