I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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