I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
