I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
