Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
