i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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