I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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