My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
