apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
