How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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