Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
