I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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