She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
