shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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