he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
