I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
