I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
