opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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