Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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