I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
