it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
