The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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