The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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