i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
