Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
