Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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