Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
