I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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