i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
