i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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