That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
