I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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