Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
