I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
