your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
