dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
