If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
