I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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