Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
