There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
