dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All the doctor said was why
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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