was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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