The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
