i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
