I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
