my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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