Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
