This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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