Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
