I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
