Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
