duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
