Don't make out with my wife yet
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
