She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
