When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Randomize