Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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