2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
