Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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