Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Quick, to the slutcave!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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