she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
it was like eating out sand paper
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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