Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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