Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
