Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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