I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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